Reclaiming Series #5 Reclaiming Our Voices

Many women know the feeling of holding something back.

The thought we do not say. The boundary we soften. The opinion we reshape in order to keep the peace.

Over time, this can become so familiar that we barely notice it happening.

But our voices matter—not only when they are calm and accommodating, but also when they are firm, uncertain, emotional, or challenging.

What happens when we begin to speak a little more honestly?

I have been thinking recently about all the ways women are taught to become quieter.

Not literally, perhaps. We are encouraged to speak, to contribute, to participate. But often there are conditions attached.

Be kind, but not too direct. Be confident, but not intimidating. Be assertive, but not angry. Speak up, but do not make anyone uncomfortable.

And so many of us learn to edit ourselves.

We apologise before expressing an opinion.

We soften our statements with phrases like "I might be wrong, but..." or "This is probably silly..."

We explain ourselves endlessly.

We apologise for taking up time, for having needs, for being upset, for saying no. Sometimes, we even apologise for things that have nothing to do with us at all. And somewhere along the way, many women begin to mistake being small for being good.

The Problem with Female Anger

I wonder whether one of the emotions women struggle with most is anger.

Not because we do not feel it—we do.

But because anger in women is often treated differently.

Women's anger is frequently labelled as irrational, hormonal, dramatic, difficult, or aggressive. Anger can threaten relationships. It can challenge expectations. It can disrupt the status quo. And so, many women become experts at turning anger into something more acceptable. Sadness. Anxiety. Guilt. Self-criticism.

But anger itself is not the problem.

Anger is information.

It tells us that something matters.

That a boundary has been crossed.

That we have been hurt.

The goal is not to eliminate anger, but to listen to it. To understand what it might be trying to tell us. Because sometimes anger is simply the voice of the self saying, "Something needs to change."

Speaking Our Needs

Many women are remarkably skilled at anticipating the needs of other people. We know when someone is upset before they do and we notice what needs doing. We hold emotional and practical responsibility for families, friendships, workplaces, and communities - not just as an expectation of ourselves but with the expectations from society.

But what about our own needs?

For many women, expressing needs can feel deeply uncomfortable. The underlying thoughts are often:

What if people think I am selfish?

What if I disappoint someone?

What if they become angry with me?

And yet relationships cannot thrive when one person's needs remain permanently hidden. Being known requires honesty.

Sometimes reclaiming our voices means having difficult conversations.

It means saying: 

"I am struggling."

"I need some help."

"That hurt me."

"I need things to be different."

Difficult conversations are rarely comfortable. But they often create something invaluable: the opportunity to be truly known by the people we love. And when our trusted people know us more fully, relationships deepen. Communication becomes clearer and resentment has less room to grow.

Using Our Voices for Others

Reclaiming our voices is not only about speaking for ourselves, it is also about speaking for others. Many of us hold different forms of privilege—whether through education, race, class, professional status, health, or social position.

Perhaps part of reclaiming our voices is recognising when we can use them as platforms.

• To advocate.

• To challenge injustice.

• To amplify voices that are not always heard.

• To speak when silence would be easier.

  
  

History is full of women who used their voices to change the world. Often imperfectly. Often at great personal cost. However, we do not all need to stand on stages or lead movements. We can take the opportunities in front of us, however small, to speak up.

And there are other ways to use our voices, to straighten the crowns of ourselves and those around us. 

You might say...

"I am proud of you."

"I love you."

"Thank you."

You might....

Make some noise.

Sing loudly in the car.

Join the choir.

Laugh without covering our mouths.

Speak in meetings.

Chat to a stranger.

Tell stories.

Share opinions.

Talk about politics and fashion and tennis.

You might take up space. (Always, please, take up space. We wanna hear it no matter how small or big or funny or embarassing. We want to hear you)

Because the world does not need women to be smaller, quieter, or more apologetic.

It needs women who are fully themselves. Women who speak honestly, who love fiercely, who sing loudly regardless of how they sound.

A Gentle Reminder

Your voice does not have to be perfect to deserve to be heard.

You do not have to earn the right to take up space.

And you are allowed to be clear, firm, angry, joyful, uncertain, loving, and loud.

Questions to Sit With

Where in your life are you still making yourself smaller?

And what might happen if, just once this week, you allowed yourself to speak a little more honestly?